Sometimes being a mom just plain sucks. It’s hard and it hurts. This last week has left my heart bruised and it won’t be the last time. You know what I mean, every time something hurts your kids, it hurts you. Remember the first time your little one had to get a shot? You cried. When they were learning to pull themselves up and instead did a face plant? You felt it. As time goes by I know the pain will change. My kids will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken and my heart will hurt right along with them. It’s the price we pay when we become parents.
Last week my 8 month old, happy as can be, little boy was admitted to the hospital. It was a short stay and we were able to go home after 24 hours. The doctors think he had a seizure but aren’t sure why or if it will happen again. Despite no sleep and little food I was able to remain relatively calm through the whole experience. A fact I whole-heartedly attribute to the “peace that passes all understanding” I know God was in that hospital room with us guiding the nurses and doctors, holding my baby, and comforting me. I felt my Jesus there with me. To some that might sound crazy and very spiritual and that’s ok, you can think I’m crazy. I had to stop here and give into the tears that were stinging my eyes because even though we are home now my heart hasn’t stopped hurting. In fact, it is hurting even more. It hurts when I think about what might have happen, it hurts when I remember the other kids still at the hospital and when I think about the families whose children won’t ever be coming home. This week every time I have held my son I have prayed for those families. The parents who are watching their kids suffering and the families dealing with lose.
After this experience it would be very easy for me to give into fear. The fear of what tomorrow may hold. I could worry myself sick, something my last post touched on. But I am determined to find joy instead. I will rejoice in today. I will enjoy every blessed minute I have with my family. More hugs, more laughs, more time just being. I have been taking more pictures of my kids, not the posed matching outfit kind, but just the silly kids being kids type. I’ve made a point of closing my laptop and sitting with my oldest while he watches cartoons, and said yes when he wants’ mommy to play, instead of “in a minute”. I still have a to do list, the laundry still has to be done and dinner cooked, but I have found a lot more time by being intentional and cutting out the “fluff” in my day. I am so glad I did!
I know this post was long and an emotional roller coaster (not to mention grammatically frightning) but I think thats ok. Sometimes we need emotional, it gets our attention and helps us to stop and process things.
New International Version (NIV)
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Yep, I fell off the face of the Earth. Figuratively, of course, but now I’m back. (insert sigh of relief here :)) The last two months have been filled with doctors visits. Thankfully, to God be the glory, everyone seems to be getting better. For years I have suffered from Migraines and frequent headaches. I know many people, especially women, struggle with them as well. Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, I started getting a new type of migraine, Ocular Migraines. The first time it happened I had numbness in my face and then floaters in my vision. The second time was much worse and I lost some of my vision for almost an hour. My husband had to rush home from work to watch the kids, since I was unable to. It was scary, and over the next few days, I had more scares with frequent vision issues and sever head pain. I was loosing the mental battle, fear was setting up camp in my thoughts. I worried about being able to care for my kids, would I be able to continue staying home with them? Would I loose my sight entirely and miss seeing them grow up? All kinds of thoughts were tormenting me.
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trust in you.” Isaiah 26:3
This verse helped me quiet the crazy thoughts and instead focus on Christ. I realized I had lost my spiritual sight, as well as, my physical sight. God wasn’t any less in control, He wasn’t any smaller just because some bad things were happening. If I lost all or part of my vision, I could still trust God to take care of my family. God is always God, God is always good. I forget that sometimes. I look at what “I” can control and then feel overwhelmed by what I can’t.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
I pray these verses would encourage you, and if you have lost your spiritual eye sight, that they may direct your eyes back to our heavenly father.
For the record I love being a mom and especially a stay at home mom. I fully realize how blessed I am to be with my kids 24/7. I also realize many women don’t want to, or simply can’t, stay home with the kids. I am not judging. I don’t think I am a better mom because I’m a stay at home mom. I’m grateful to have the option. For me, I would choose second hand clothes over a power suit any day. That’s how I’m built. My heart aches when I am away from my kids. Yes, the non-stop craziness sometimes makes me feel and look like a zombie. The green-eyed monster does get me at times and I envy other women’s stylish haircuts and trendy clothes. I dream of a house, with a second bathroom, that I would ban the boys from using. For me to stay at home our family has to make sacrifices, and it’s not always easy. Daily I pray for contentment and wrestle with my selfish desires. Right now I’m reading a parenting devotional, written by Gary Thomas, entitled Devotions for Sacred Parenting. It’s a short book with only one devotional a week. The lessons are encouraging and help me keep my focus on the important things. If you’re a parent, stay at home or not, I pray that God will encourage you and fill you with joy and, with His strength, allow you to meet each days challenges.
Have a great weekend! Hope to talk to you soon…